Even raised in a feminist household, I was not taught much about setting personal boundaries.
It’s surprising to me how late I learned some of the basic steps to take regarding personal mental health, the things the guard against being abused and/or taken advantage of. These are the types of things that (generally speaking) when men do them they are considered acceptable, even admirable, but when women do them we are “overly sensitive” or “bitchy”:
- Saying “no” to commitments, arguments, or responsibilities
- Not allowing people to talk talk down to you
- Refusing to accept criticism you did not ask for and that is not supportive
- Not caving in to demands that you “see things their way”
- Not apologizing for being “overly emotional” in a discussion
- Pushing back against anyone who tries to talk over you and/or invalidate your experiences
I have seen women do these things before, but I always felt uncomfortable watching them do it. Women aren’t supposed to be aggressive, okay? Unless you were an angry black woman, because racism. Or a punk, because classism. Point is: nice girls don’t.
Women, we’re supposed to be kind and supportive and take the hits, not set up fences and act territorial about our feelings and self-worth. So it was with some shock I stumbled across fanfiction writer Kiera Marcos’s “Rules” for reading and commenting on her fic. It seemed so outré, so rude! Mind you, this was just eight years ago and I was about 40 years old, but still, I was taken off guard by it.
But, why? Nothing in her list of rules is unreasonable. The whole list boils down to “don’t shit on my parade” and why shouldn’t someone say that? On her own site where she posts things for funsies? Why the hell shouldn’t she have the right to tell people to fuck off if they are only there to be confrontational?
This has all been brought to mind today by Greta Christina’s very plain-spoken and uncontroversial boundary-setting on her political-topic Facebook posts: “No comments here, please. I don’t have it in me to monitor the discussion. If you want to discuss, please share and discuss on your own page. Thanks.” Sometimes there is a further warning that comments will not only deleted, but people who leave them blocked.
Yet the fact that a woman would do that has garnered criticism. It is HER personal account, her personal feed and posts, yet people feel the need to criticize her for making such a statement. (She’s had to delete more than a few posts from people who simply ignore it…I guess they feel special?)
My previous post, “The Scourge of Unasked-for Advice” hits on this topic, too. It really affects women, I think, because overall in our society, everyone everywhere thinks it is well within their rights to tell a woman what she should do, how she should do it, and the feelings she should experience while doing it. A woman’s mind, body, and actions are never really her own, always up for critique and correction.
As I was drafting this post, Classical Sass re-linked to her post about “Ownership” earlier, and that is what finally dialed everything into perspective for me. She is writing about consent, specifically, but isn’t that what this is all about, after all?
I realized that I need to refocus the whole discussion on consent. That is the core issue behind setting and protecting personal boundaries.
That list up there? That list is all about asserting my consent in a social transaction:
- I do NOT CONSENT to people forcing commitments, arguments, or responsibilities on me.
- I do NOT CONSENT to people talking down to me
- I do NOT CONSENT to criticism I did not ask for and that is not supportive
- I do NOT CONSENT to demands that I “see things their way”
- I do NOT CONSENT to being mischaracterized because of my emotions in a discussion
- I do NOT CONSENT to people trying to talk over me and/or invalidate my experiences
Nor do I consent to people (usually, but not always, men) telling me I’m too sensitive, or I’m unwilling to engage, or simply that I’m a coward. Because yes, of course I’m willing to engage, but I assert the right that men traditionally have had all along: to engage on my own terms, not yours.
That list above clearly maps out my boundaries, and if you do not respect them, if you try to force your way past my consent to engage in ways I find disrespectful or even threatening, then off you go.
