The title of this post, “I have an eating disorder”, is pretty weird to me. I don’t suffer from bulimia or anorexia, so the general consensus would be that no, I don’t. That has certainly been my own opinion for most of my life. However over the last couple of years as I’ve been lurking in the paleo and LCHF communities, I’ve read about other people’s struggles with eating disorders (EDs) and I’ve realized that there is actually a large bandwidth. And I fall on that bandwidth.
My ED stems from my OCD, something I’ve had under control since my teens, at least so I thought. I don’t spend hours straightening everything on my desk, for instance. I COULD but I don’t. However, the place where that will come out is in regards to eating. Specifically, tracking and measuring my intake, and weighing myself.
My solution is to do neither. I do not count calories, carbs, macros, or portion sizes. This, according to all the food experts, is a mistake. I’m not sure how, since that’s not what humans are designed to do to start with. But it’s something that fat people are supposed to do, because FAT. Not doing it is a huge source of guilt and shame for me; this, despite the fact that I can actually give you a fairly accurate recap of my caloric intake on most days because my mother was obsessed with food and weight tracking. I grew up knowing the nutritional breakdown of most foods. I know my basal caloric needs for my size, I know when I’ve gone over that. (What may surprise you is that I rarely go over, in fact there are many days I eat in deficit. Go figure, right?)
Still, I’m taken to task for it: “How can I ever lose weight without micromanaging my food intake????” Which to me is the wrong question. The question should be, “Why should micromanaging food intake even be necessary?”
This short blog post got me thinking about my inner turmoil regarding food tracking: Why Calorie Counting is an Eating Disorder. It resonated with me. Especially this part: “A weight issue is not caused by a lack of counting calories. No more than constipation is caused by not counting… you know. They’re both caused by something disturbing the body’s natural regulatory systems.”
I do believe that the human body is a fairly efficient biological organism. It’s not perfect, it’s the product of stop-and-go evolution, and individual variables of genetics/illness/disease can play a huge role in a person’s health. Yet, it’s supposed to work efficiently if maintained well. I keep coming back to that.
But to the point: eating disorder. When I DO try and track food intake or even exercise, I become obsessive about it. Some people wear that distinction with pride, and they are given social approval for it, which becomes a bitter cycle. For me, it’s destructive, mentally and emotionally. I obsess, I berate, I castigate, I…fail. I hate on myself, the self-loathing is epic. And painful.
A huge personal goal for 2015 is to be kinder to myself. That means, accepting what is true about myself and moving past those stumbling blocks of guilt, shame, and self flagellation. I’m going to let go of my shame about not counting calories/carbs/macros. I’m going to adapt a way of eating (WOE) what is healthy for me and stop castigating myself for every bite I put in my mouth. I think looking at it from the perspective of having an ED that I am trying to overcome will help, because it makes the issue something tangible rather than simply “a lack of willpower” or what have you.
Eating should not be a chore, it should not be a burden. It’s healthy. Tracking every bite that goes in my mouth is depressing and psychologically destructive to me. Maybe not to you; that’s for each of us to decide. But for me? Yes, it is incredibly hurtful.
I just want to stop hurting.
