So yesterday I poured my heart into a post that meant a lot to me. There were a few supportive comments (thank you!) and one…not so supportive. I’m not here to hash out what that one person meant to do, or what their intention was, but to say that the net effect of their commentary was to invalidate my experiences and accuse me of hating thin people. That’s how I read it. That’s how it can be read by anyone.
Poor communication? Yeah, I think so, based on her non-apology that followed — I mean I think she was trying to apologize? Maybe? But anyway she explained that in her original comment, she was speaking from her own experiences, which is fair; but she did so in a very particular way that invalidated me, which is NOT fair.
In calling her out on it, I’ve had people lining up to tell me how I should feel, how I should react, how I should not judge, how I was acting crazy, how I am damaged and have a bad disposition.
And…you know, I’m not even sure what they think they are gaining from that. Peace in our times? It doesn’t even involve them, specifically. They just felt it was their place to jump in and tell me all the ways in which they believe I am wrong.
Piece of advice: don’t do that.
Don’t jump into a discussion between two other people unless you are asked by one of them to do so. Don’t jump onto someone’s back and harangue them about all the ways you think they should have reacted. Don’t imply someone is mentally unbalanced because they are not acting all nice and proper the way you think they should.
Don’t jump, period.
Because now I look at those people and think, “okay, I cannot trust them. They are completely uninterested in the ways that I was hurt. They are falling all over themselves to point out how wrong I am without trying to see my point of view. I have to assume they do not care about me at all.”
Which, maybe they don’t care. Fair enough.
But the whole experience makes me leery of opening up about things that are emotionally relevant to me. If I have to be super understanding and nonjudgmental of every attack on me, that’s…that’s not fair to me.
On the other hand, I should of course have tougher skin. I should of course not engage with people who don’t give a damn about me as a person. I should — of course!!!! — not give a fuck what other people think of me.
I’ll work on that.
